"Nice" Gestures That Can End Up Costing You During A Divorce

An adversarial divorce can be costly, but being too nice isn't a good idea either. Here are three ways in which your nice gestures can complicate your divorce process:

Rationalizing Your Divorce to Your Spouse

Some people, especially those who want to divorce from their spouses amicably, go to great pains to explain why they want to separate. For example, you may feel the need to write a long letter to your spouse and explain why you want a divorce, especially if you are the one who initiated it.

This isn't a bad gesture, but the problem comes when your guilt spurs you into taking more responsibility for the breakup than you should. You may find yourself, for example, admitting that you haven't been there for the family as much as you should. Such statements can come back to haunt you during the hearings, for example, when your spouse uses them to explain why you aren't a good parent and shouldn't have custody of the kids.

Agreeing To Delay or Avoid Legal Representation

You need a divorce lawyer as soon as you have decided to divorce or immediately after your spouse signals they want a divorce. You need a lawyer even if your spouse promises to stay non-combative and amicable throughout the divorce and promises not to get one.

Hiring a lawyer doesn't mean that you are gearing up for litigation or court battles. An experienced divorce lawyer will explain the legal requirements, important deadlines to meet, and the legality of your desires or decisions. Moreover, you don't know whether your divorce will start out amicable and turn into a fight later on; waiting to hire a lawyer until then denies you the opportunity to prepare for all eventualities.

Agreeing To Most Demands from Your Spouse

Finally, you should take care not to be too nice that you agree to most demands from your spouse. A good divorce negotiation should be a give-and-take affair. Something is definitely wrong if you find yourself agreeing to your spouse's demands without receiving much in return.

This is especially true with important issues, such as alimony, asset division, and child support. If you agree to such demands without giving much thought to them, you will end up spending more resources to undo the damage if you change your mind.  In fact, some of them can be extremely difficult to undo. For example, to renegotiate alimony once it has been ratified by the court, you need to prove a substantial change (such as death, illness or remarriage) in your earnings or your spouse's earnings.

In short, being too nice during your divorce isn't a very good thing. This doesn't mean you have to be difficult or combative all the time. However, before you do anything "nice," first run it by your lawyer to get their opinion.

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